7 Journals for Creativity, Gratitude, and Better Sex according to Goop
The best journal for you is the one you’ll actually use—whether that’s one that functions more like a traditional planner or one that’s simply pretty to look at.
01 QUICK HIT
In the first pages of The Five-Minute Journal, an inscription insists it’s not a magic pill. Whatever dreams, intentions, and aspirations you write here, it says, you will still have to execute them in real life. But this journal is a guide on how to do precisely that—and it’s a little magic we’re happy to practice for five minutes at a time. Every day (or every day you feel like it, no pressure), you fill in your answers to three simple questions in the morning and two easy reflections at night. Each one encourages intention, gratitude, and perspective. And they all make the idea of living a little better feel totally within reach.
02 BLANK SPACE
When guided journaling exercises aren’t the vibe, a simple notebook is a refreshing blank slate. This one from AllSwell is designed for flexibility. If you open it from the cover that says “WRITE,” you get lined pages for neat and tidy notes, lists, and diary entries. Flip it over to its second cover, “DRAW,” and you’ll open it up to blank pages perfect for doodles.
There are no prompts or practices in the notebook, so if you find yourself seeking some creative inspiration, it’s worth picking up AllSwell’s deck of journaling cards, which cue gratitude lists, letter-writing, and sketches of cherished memories (like a favorite tree from your childhood). Shuffle, pick, and let your pen go at it.
03 SPICED UP
This journal is a resource not just for better sex but also for cultivating intimacy, silliness, and honesty in a partnered relationship. It’s designed to be picked up right after play. The journal guides you through a set of prompts that you respond to individually, filling in statements like “I feel ___,” and “I felt most turned on when ____,” and then questions to answer together: What are we learning? What do we want and need? After every four entries, there’s a page for reflections on how you’ve grown as a couple and what you’ve felt grateful for since the last check-in. It even includes a guide on how to constructively communicate desires with your partner as well as where to begin if filling out the journal ever feels awkward.
04 SIMPLE PLAN
While the basic structure of this little booklet is that of a monthly and weekly planner, working through the pages means getting really clear about what you want and how you want to pursue it. The diary asks you to break down your specific goals into actionable steps and also prompts you to reflect: on what’s behind your intentions, on what support you need, and on how your goals fulfill your core purpose. That may all make it sound very career-focused—and yes, it’s great for that—but it’s also just as invaluable a tool for our relationships, intellectual growth, and spiritual development.
05 ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
The concept of this journal is simple: It’s a place to jot down what you’re grateful for. That’s it. No guides, no prompts, no activities. Just the simple inscription on the cover as a reminder to count your blessings daily. It looks pretty on a nightstand (we like to make entries right before sleep) and is a great gift. And because our planet is one thing we can all be grateful for: This journal is fully recyclable.
06 JOY RIDE
Filling out the prompts in this one-page-a-day journal feels like scribbling in the personal diary you kept as a kid. Every page has a brief, totally joy-inducing activity, like thinking about how your love brings your loved ones happiness or feeling out a memory you could live in forever. Then it asks you to respond in a few short lines with what came up for you. We’ve found that it’s an easy way to lift our hearts in a moment. And even after you’ve filled out every page, this journal’s great for revisiting. Just cover up your previous notes with your fingers to go over your favorite pages again and again.
07 FOOD FOR THOUGHT
If you’re on a mission to listen to your body more, this food journal is a great first step. We like it because there are no prescriptions of what or when or how to eat, just space to very simply note how you’re feeling, how you slept, and what you ate and drank throughout the day. And it may help you develop healthier routines: Research shows that self-monitoring without deliberately changing anything is effective in changing our eating habits for the better.
Find the full article here.
If you're looking for a therapist who provides online sessions, I invite you to contact me to schedule your free phone consultation today! Contact Me Here
Breaking the Cycle of Fear
In every moment, you have the power to create your future. The “failures” you’ve had in the past don’t define your future or mean that you are going to “fail” again. You have the power to define who you are, what you want, and how to get there. Every day, remind yourself: I am not going to let my past define me. I am going to define me. I am going to create my future.
Get Comfortable with being Uncomfortable
Change is uncomfortable, but it’s also the only constant in life. The world around us—our relationships, jobs, living situations, friends, everything—is constantly changing and influencing us. Amid all of this change, why would we expect that we would stay the same? We’re constantly changing. Honor that. A lot of people feel that a change of heart is a negative thing. That it reflects a fickle nature. It doesn’t. You don’t have to prove yourself to anybody. You have to find what fits for you—right now, at this time in your life.
When we don’t honor the ways in which we’ve changed, we end up sticking with something just because we don’t want to quit. We end up stressed, overworked, and miserable, holding on for dear life to a dream we don’t even want anymore. This is dangerous—but as long as you’re still breathing, as long as you’re still alive, you have the opportunity to change your situation and find a dream that’s worth the gamble. Each breath is an opportunity to change. Each breath is an opportunity to be better than we were before. With each breath, we choose our future.
Lesson: You always have the opportunity to grow if you’re willing to change.
Stretch Yourself
The body is often naturally tight, and that’s okay. Breathe into your muscles and they will loosen. The same thing happens in life. Breathe into your fears and they will loosen their grip on you, opening you up to new opportunities. The more you breathe into your fears, the easier it gets to do so, and the more flexible you will become in trying new things.
Change is happening all around us and inside of us. If you’re flexible, you’re able to move easily with those changes and find your flow. If you’re not, you’ll get stuck, be unable to shift and adapt, and live in a way that isn’t working for you anymore.
The more flexible you are and the more you keep moving, the less likely you are to get stuck in your fears, doubts, and worries.
Lesson: Stay flexible and available for new opportunities.
Never Call It Failure
Things don’t always work out the way we want or plan. When a deal falls through, a client goes to a competitor, a job opportunity vanishes, a relationship ends, a proposal is rejected, or an experience falls short of your expectations, don’t call it a failure. Shift your mind-set. Stop asking, How did I fail? How can I stop failing? Instead, ask, How did that situation make me stronger? What can I learn from that experience?
It’s important to do a reality check. Do you want to keep pursuing this goal, or do you want to stop? Ask yourself: Is this something I want to push forward, or do I want to let it go and put my energy in another direction? Am I happy on this journey?
Lesson: You can’t fail if you don’t stop trying.
If you’re comfortable being uncomfortable, stretching yourself, and not calling fears failure, you’ll see opportunities for growth daily. Embrace growth, embrace change, and find your flow.
Read the full article on Goop.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
Accepting Unwanted Emotions
Emotions: according to the dictionary, the definition of an emotion is, “a conscious mental reaction (such as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body”.
But emotions serve us in a variety of ways. For example, they give us valuable messages (e.g., fear in an unsafe situation), reveal how important something is to us (e.g., you have stronger emotions in your romantic relationship than you do when you’re shopping for cereal or having a casual conversation with a stranger), and prompt us to act (e.g., you stroke a partner’s face with love or turn away from spoiled food in disgust).
But the story of emotions is a bit more delicate and complex, as it isn’t simply about what we feel in response to what happens around us. We tirelessly size up our inner world and place value judgments on it. Depending on the circumstances we’re in and the messages we’ve received along the way about what we’re allowed to feel, emotions (or at least certain ones) may get tagged as acceptable, healthy, or reasonable, or they might get labeled as wrong, crazy, or threatening. For instance, researchers at the University of Oxford highlighted the following categories of disapproving beliefs when it comes to painful emotions:
Emotions are too powerful and can’t be managed.
Emotions are bad and/or ridiculous.
Emotions are defective and make no sense.
Emotions are unproductive.
My emotions could sabotage me or other people.
My emotions might spread to other people and I can’t let that happen.
What’s thorny about this is that if we have a negative outlook on our emotions, we’ve got a whole new load to carry—we’re more likely to have another negative emotion layered on top of the one we’re already experiencing. The emotions we have about how we feel are known as meta-emotions. For example, let’s say we see sadness as a sign of personal weakness and inadequacy. Because of this viewpoint, we might feel shame or fear in response to our sadness. And it’s not just uncomfortable emotions that get a bad rap. People can feel nervous about pleasant emotions too.
Our ideas about our emotional life don’t just impact how we feel about our emotions, but the steps we take to respond to them as well. To illustrate, let’s stay with our example of sadness. We regard it as a signal that we’re weak and defective in some way, and this idea stirs up intense shame. The big question now: What do we do with all of this? Considering that we’re treating sadness as intolerable and we feel ashamed of it, we’re relatively unlikely to talk about it with someone else, to be kind to ourselves in the face of it, or to allow ourselves to feel sad and see what happens. No, instead we’re probably going to be more inclined to react to sadness in other ways, such as:
Mentally beating ourselves up for feeling it
Racking our brains over why we feel this way and why we can’t get over it and feel happy like everyone seems to feel
Trying to cover it up when we’re around other people
Self-medicating with alcohol or other substances
How we choose to respond to our emotions also has an impact on how we feel and on our quality of life. If we criticize ourselves all the time, that harsh voice gets stronger and we’ll continue unintentionally manufacturing more shame. We could mull over why we feel the way we do and question why we can’t make it go away, but this approach is more likely to leave us feeling even worse. If we try to hide our sadness and mask what feels so unspeakable, we’re liable to bear the cost of this strategy, experiencing more distress, less comfort, and more detached relationships. And although we can try to escape through alcohol and other substances, this opens the door to use disorders and other problems.
There are a variety of other ways in which rejecting what we feel sets the stage for giving us more of the very thing we don’t want. For instance, when people are scared of emotions, this forecasts difficulty managing anger, feeling more upset, drawing from pleasant memories to feel better, and symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Moreover, people who view uncomfortable emotions as bad are also less likely to be empathic toward themselves. And the idea that painful emotions are hazardous is related to lower odds of naming such emotions for one’s children, a valuable step in emotional skill-building.
So if it doesn’t serve us to treat our emotions as off-limits, what’s the alternative? When we accept distressing emotions as being a universal, natural part of life, it’s ironically linked to experiencing them less and, in the long run, having better emotional health.
But why might this be? Why would accepting the emotions we don’t want generally be connected with them dwindling rather than growing? Researchers have proposed several possible explanations:
Rumination can make people feel worse, and individuals who accept upsetting emotions don’t tend to ruminate over them as much.
Efforts to avoid what a person feels can go awry and have a boomerang effect, furnishing them with more of what they tried to push away.
Individuals who accept their emotions may be spared an extra layer of emotional pain by not having to feel upset about feeling upset.
Disquieting emotions that we meet with acceptance are less likely to have as much staying power.
Acceptance is a mindset, an approach of giving ourselves permission to experience our emotions and taking the perspective that they’re human rather than silly, weak, crazy, wrong, dangerous, or beyond our power to ever be able to manage. It’s about challenging that self-critical inner voice that says we can’t feel what we do, or that an emotion will harm us or be a badge of our inherent fault or shame. Acceptance is about giving ourselves the space to listen to ourselves in a nonjudgmental way.
Read the full article on Psychology Today.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
Becoming an Active Listener
Body language and unspoken attraction are some of the most fun parts at the start of a relationship. As you can probably imagine, those traits do not make for a healthy, lifelong partnership. One of the main reasons couples divorce is because they lost the ability or never had the skills to communicate with one another. Poor listening skills lead to the breakdown in communication in a marriage. Here are some tips on how to be a more effective and life-giving listener.
don’t interrupt: Let your spouse finish what they are saying. If this is a problem and you interrupt a lot, find some way to remind yourself to keep quiet. Some people put their chin in their hand as a sign to themselves to not speak until their mate is finished talking.
keep an open mind: Don't judge. Jumping to conclusions or looking for the right or wrong in what is being said prevents you from listening. Think before you say anything in response, especially if it is an emotional reaction.
make listening a priority: Listen without planning on what you are going to say in response. Let go of your own agenda. Be aware that you need to listen. Make eye contact. Pay attention by not looking at the TV or glancing at the newspaper or finishing up a chore.
use a feedback technique: Let your partner know that you heard what they said by using a feedback technique and restating what was said. Say something like "I hear you when you say that..." Be open to the possibility that you didn't hear clearly what your spouse was saying, and give them space to say so if that is the case.
pay attention to their non-verbal signs: Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues—both yours and those of your mate. These include shrugging your shoulders, tone of voice, crossing arms or legs, nodding, eye contact or looking away, facial expressions (smile, frown, shock, disgust, tears, surprise, rolling eyes, etc.), and mannerisms (fiddling with papers, tapping your fingers). Over half of your message is delivered through non-verbal signs.
understand what blocks you from listening: Try not to fall into these patterns of listening: mind reading, rehearsing, filtering, judging, daydreaming, advising, sparring, being right, changing the subject, stonewalling, and placating.
stay focused: Focus on the main points that your spouse is talking about. It's okay to ask questions to clarify what you thought you heard.
understand the differences in your communication styles: You may just communicate differently. Being aware can enhance your listening skills. One of you may often share because you want to give information or solve a problem. The other may tend to talk to connect with someone or to get information. Some folks talk more about relationships than others. You may be more concerned about details than your spouse. But don't attribute all your listening differences to your gender.
show respect: Respect your spouse's point of view, even if you disagree with what is being said.
know the difference between advice and talking: Don't give advice unless asked for it. You can't listen and talk at the same time. Feelings are neither right or wrong.
Read the full article on MYDOMAINE.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!
Demystifying Couples Therapy
There’s a stigma around couples therapy, we don’t end up having those conversations, and we can wind up feeling alone when, of course, that couldn’t be further from the truth. People associate it with divorce. However, most people who come to couples therapy are not getting divorced—they’re building a healthier relationship.
Q: What can you expect to get out of therapy as a couple? And what can’t you expect?
A lot of people come to therapy thinking that they’re going to change something about their partner. When you come to couples therapy, you have to be prepared to make changes yourself. You can’t change another person. But you can influence another person. And that’s why it’s important to know that if you make changes, you will instigate change in someone else. Meaning you can’t tell someone to change, but if you change your behavior, they will change in response to you.
We think: How can we get them to do something that we want? But really, the way we can do that is by helping them first. If you can do something in a way that helps them, you will get back something that helps you.
Q: How do you take the first step?
By the time a couple gets into an office, there’s often some resentment. And because of the resentment they don’t feel generous toward each other. They have to remember that they do love this person, and that the person isn’t acting in this way to harm them; the person is acting this way because they are also struggling. If you can look at it that way, you might have more compassion for your partner, because you’re not the only one who’s struggling in this relationship. When you have more compassion, you can carve out a place of generosity for the fact that your partner is struggling, too.
Your partner’s reality doesn’t cancel out your reality. Just because your partner sees the situation differently from how you see it, it doesn’t mean that that person is wrong or that you’re wrong. It just means there’s room for both. Sometimes people don’t want to take the first step because they think: I need you to see it this way. I need you to see it accurately. I need you to see it my way. It’s important for both people to listen to how the other person sees it, but that doesn’t mean they have to agree with it.
Q: When is going to couples therapy a good idea?
Sometimes there’s a concrete issue, like you don’t see eye to eye on something like money or how much time you spend with the other person’s family. Or you have different ideas about how you are raising the kids. You want to go before it gets to the point where you’re both backed into your corner and you can’t listen at all to the other person’s point of view. A good time to go is when you can say, “Hey, there have been a few times when we’ve gotten really agitated when we talk about this with each other. Maybe we need somebody else to help us learn how to have this conversation, because it’s a really sensitive topic for both of us, and it’s hard for us to hear each other.”
Q: How do you approach the idea of therapy if your partner is averse to it?
It’s very important not to make it sound like, “We’re going to therapy because you have problems.” Some people even say, “We’re going to therapy because I can’t handle what you’re doing.” Or “I can’t handle something about you.”
Try something along the lines of: “We’re going to therapy because I love you so much, and our relationship is so important to me, and it breaks my heart when we argue. I would really like to go talk to somebody so maybe we can get some help with that.”
Q: How do you go about finding the right therapist?
Word of mouth is a great way to find a couples therapist, but if you’re hesitant to do that, you can look on Psychology Today. Look at therapist profiles in your area and see which ones have an approach that feels comfortable to you. But really, you won’t know until you get into the room and you see what it’s like when all three of you are sitting there.
“It’s tricky, because there’s so much shame around couples therapy—even more than with individual therapy. People associate couples therapy with divorce. But in my experience, most people who come to couples therapy are not getting divorced—they’re building a healthier relationship. The people who end up getting divorced are often the people who never got help.”
It’s really important to know that couples therapy is hard work, but it’s also very rewarding. You’re very exposed in a way you aren’t in individual therapy. In individual therapy, you can present yourself the way you want to present yourself. In couples therapy, your therapist is going to see you and your partner and the way you two interact with each other. You can feel very vulnerable. And you should—that’s largely the point, to be real with each other.
After your first session, did you feel like the therapist heard both sides of what was happening? Did you feel like the therapist understood some of the ways you two interact? That’s a good way to assess initially.
(Also, take a look at my post about how to find the right therapist)
Q: What else can you expect from that first session?
You should feel that the therapist can hold both of your realities at the same time. You should also walk out knowing there’s a definite possibility that you have some flawed assumptions about your partner’s motives, and maybe some of those will come out in the first session. And that he or she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The therapist can help point out that maybe you were thinking that the reason your husband is never home for dinner on time is because he doesn’t want to be, or because his work is more important than you, or vice versa. But your assumptions are often wrong. A good therapist can help you learn something new—even in that first session—about the way your partner thinks and feels about you that isn’t as harmful or hurtful as you had imagined.
It’s always helpful for the therapist to reframe for people: “Hey, the reason that this or that might be happening is not because your partner doesn’t care about you. The whole reason that you’re both here is because you care about each other. If you didn’t care, nobody would be sitting in this room right now.”
Q: What kind of commitment is couples therapy, emotionally and timewise?
It depends on what’s going on and how long it’s been going on. That’s why people need to come in earlier, because if something is a relatively new issue between a couple, that can be resolved pretty quickly. If something has been going on for decades, it can’t be undone in four sessions. That might take a little bit longer.
The good news is that once you start seeing the underlying patterns, it changes most of your interactions. It won’t just change the one thing that you came in to talk about; it will change the way you see each other. You’ll see each other with more generosity and more compassion. You will take what your partner is doing less personally, and you will feel less injured by the other person’s behavior. That helps globally in the relationship. You don’t have to keep coming back every time you have a problem, because now you know more about each other in a way that helps you to resolve your own problems.
Q: How does couples therapy work in conjunction with individual therapy, if one partner already has a therapist?
Lots of people do that. You get different things out of them. You learn a lot about yourself individually in couples therapy, but sometimes people need extra support, or they’d like the extra support. Or they’re working through something personally that they need an individual therapist for. A couples therapist will generally not see either member of a couple for individual therapy, because we want that relationship to be clean. We don’t want any perception of the therapist favoring one person over the other. There’s often a lot of sibling-like rivalry in couples therapy, where people feel like they want the therapist to take their side, or they want the therapist to like them better. It’s not really in their awareness. People want the therapist to validate their position, but we’re not there to do that—nor would that be helpful.
Q: What are some tools that couples can try using to resolve conflict?
A lot of people say, “You’re not listening to me. You’re not listening,” as they’re talking over somebody else. Before you say you don’t feel heard, consider how well you listen.
People don’t realize they do that. They feel so unheard that they don’t realize that they’re making the other person feel unheard. You will be heard much more expansively by the other person if you truly listen to them. A lot of people don’t realize that they’re terrible listeners; they really just want to get their point across.
One of the most important things is to realize that you’re two separate people: You’re going to have different ideas and perceptions. And you don’t have to convince the other person of the truth of your perception. It’s important only that they understand how you feel about it. But neither perception is more valid than the other.
Q: How do you know when you can pause on couples therapy?
When the couple feels like they’re relating to each other better. When they feel like whatever they came in for isn’t really happening anymore, or at least it’s not happening to the same degree. Or even if it’s happening, they are able to stop before it escalates and not go down that rabbit hole the way they used to. It’s about changing the pattern between them.
All couples do a dance. If one person changes the dance, either the other person is going to fall flat on the floor or they’re going to have to change their steps. Usually what happens is the other partner changes their steps, too. And now the couple’s doing a different dance, and if they’re doing a different dance and it’s working for them, then they don’t need to be in therapy anymore.
Sometimes people are scared to leave couples therapy because even though their problem has gotten better or is mostly resolved, they fear that if they leave therapy, they will backslide at times. But that’s to be expected. I say, “Go out there and try it, and if you backslide, come back in. You know you can come in for a tune-up.”
There’s nothing wrong with coming in for a tune-up, but I do want clients to learn to trust themselves, to trust that they can do this and that they are going to backslide. We all have longstanding reactions that are very visceral, and sometimes we screw up. But that’s okay—nobody’s perfect. It doesn’t have to be very significant. It’s kind of like when people go on a diet and they eat two pieces of cake and feel like their entire diet is ruined. It’s not—you ate an extra piece of cake, and you move on.
You can always come back to therapy. It’s a conversation that you have with the therapist and with each other. But it’s not as though everything needs to be perfect for you to stop. No couple is perfect.
Read the full article on Goop.
If you live in the Los Angeles or Westlake Village area and are interested in therapy, I invite you to contact me via email at: tanyasamuelianmft@yahoo.com . I provide a 15-minute complimentary consultation. Check out my services to see which one might fit your needs. Contact me now to see if we might be a good fit to work together! Or book your appointment here!